“Yo? Zane? Are you even listening to me?”
I’m not. I’m half asleep.
“What?” I sputter, looking up at…
That’s the worst part. Who I’m talking to. Kaden. The bright green eyes, the sharp, smooth jawline. Tall and lanky and just toned enough that you can see the curves of his pecs and biceps through his shirt when he stretches. Always striking some confident new pose, back straight like he’s a model. That effortless smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, that comes out whenever he needs something—you know it’s fake, and it just makes you wonder how sweet the real thing must be. It makes you want him to smile for you. Do other things for you. To you. God, he’s perfect—and the one time he actually notices I exist I’m too zoned out to engage. I’m a fucking idiot.
He leans over my desk, putting his hand tantalizingly close to where mine is resting on the desk. My heart rate surges.
“I need you to finish the rest of the group project tonight. I’m gonna be out. All night. Can’t do anything. You good for that?”
My brow furrows. That’s a weird question. Did he not see I finished it? I guess he doesn’t pay attention to anything we do in class, but I was at least hoping he’d keep tabs on the project. It’s worth 20% of our grade, and…
And it’s wishful thinking to expect him to think about you any more than he absolutely has to. Because he’s perfect, and you’re a nerd a grade below him who wears eyeliner and falls asleep in class and sits with the same bunch of queer band kids at lunch because they only halfway ignore you. Unlike everyone else, who… fully ignores you. Despite the eyeliner. I work hard on this stuff, man. Maybe I should just blow it all off like he does. Not give a shit. He’s hot when he doesn’t give a shit; maybe I can be, too.
Wishful thinking.
“It’s already done.” I say a bit too quickly and a bit too loudly, because oh my god he’s so close.
“Oh. Sure, okay then, good job.” he says. My heart skips a beat when he compliments me. It’s nothing compared to what comes next, though.
“Hey, want to come to the thing I’m at tonight? Friend of mine, some kind of aspiring DJ, he said ‘bring everyone you know.’ None of my buddies wanna go except Cass.”
He’s barely even looking at me, but the moment it clicks that it’s an invitation I stare up at him in awe, my eyes glued to his smooth, pretty face and the curve of his neck.
“R-really? I’d be like, your plus one?” I ask.
He glances back down at me and laughs.
“Calm down, dude. It’s not a date.”
Someone behind me giggles. Fuck! Dammit! I shut my eyes in frustration.
“Anyway, it’s like, sort of out of the way so the cops or some costumed meter maid don’t show up and crash the thing. You’re gonna have to take the streetcar, it’s like, two hours away from school. Here, you know what, I’m just gonna send you a maps link.”
He texts me something, mutters some kind of half-hearted goodbye, and saunters out of the biology classroom like he’s king of the universe. Which he is.
I swear under my breath, pack my notes as quickly as I can and dash off to find Caspar—Kaden calls him ‘Cass’, but it feels weird for me to do it—before he does.
Thank god for Caspar. He’s the approachable one. For one thing, he’s not my type—too broad-shouldered and muscly, he’s on every team where the sport involves tackling people—and for another, the stuff that comes out of his mouth doesn’t make you want to die. Kaden’s hot, sure, but he’s… such an asshole sometimes. I put up with so much just so I can look at him. It’s pathetic, really.
Caspar’s different. He’s the most likely to succeed kind, you know? Cool-headed, mature, you don’t have to be scared to ask him for details on his best friend’s crazy edge-of-town… live music party in the woods. That type of guy.
“Hey!” I shout, rushing in front of him just as he’s stepping away from his locker.
He opens his mouth, but I don’t stop talking.
“What’s going on with Kaden’s weird party that’s really far away for no reason? Why’d he invite me to it? Like, should I change?”
He glances down at me.
“What, do you mean is there a dress code? It’s not… no. No, it’s not that kind of thing. Are you okay?”
I shut my eyes tight. I sound like such a fucking square. It’s not my fault nobody’s ever invited me to anything like this before!
“It’s just… I want to go, because I want to get to know Kaden better, because he’s awesome, but he said maybe the cops would show up. Or a super. I just want to know what I’m getting into, that’s all. And… maybe get some advice on talking to him.”
I say the last part quickly, suddenly hoping he won’t hear me.
Caspar sighs and grins his toothy, bright white grin.
“Oh, boy, we’ve got another one.” he says.
I blush. “Is it that obvious?”
“Yeah. But don’t worry about it, he does that to everyone. Word of advice, give up.”
I shrug in indignation. “What, am I not good enough for him or something?”
Caspar shakes his head and puts a hand on my shoulder.
“No, dude. He… he doesn’t swing that way, trust me. And even if he did… look, there’s a reason he spends all this time going to these crazy parties and acting out, okay? Don’t tell anyone this, but I have my hands full just keeping him out of trouble. He doesn’t even know anyone at this party, we’re gatecrashing. He probably invited you so someone would be around who thinks he’s the coolest. Help him get an in with… whoever he’s trying to get an in with, I don’t know.”
The embarrassment fades and the curiosity seeps in further and further as he keeps rambling. Wait, Kaden doesn’t even know this DJ? Kaden’s gatecrashing? Kaden has… problems? Insecurities? A hidden moody dark side?
Oh, god, it’s making it worse! He’s even hotter now! It’s like he’s letting me in, showing me a secret world that he doesn’t trust anyone but Cass with. Sure, I’m a stooge who’s just there to make him feel cool, but who cares!? He’s being vulnerable! Or something!
And if I don’t go, then I never get to see that side of him again. Maybe never get to see him again. He never comes to class anymore; last I heard, he was thinking of dropping out.
I have to go.
“So… no dress code, we’re not really invited, and… a super might crash the party, too?” I ask.
Caspar shakes his head.
“It’s way out of the way, and it’d have to be a real slow day for one of the city supers to actually bother to bust a bunch of kids drinking and playing music on the edge of town. I mean, come on, everything is life or death for them. We’re gonna be fine. Worst case scenario we book it out of there and get a story to tell.”
“Does Kaden know you tell people this stuff about him?” I ask. It’s weird, isn’t it!? Caspar’s well-adjusted enough to know not to lay out all his best friend’s baggage like this, right? What gives?
Caspar sighs and lowers his voice.
“I don’t tell people this stuff about him, just you now today because—no offense—nobody listens to you. And honestly, lately, like the past few months, it’s just… it’s gotten worse, and I just…”
He scoffs in frustration.
“Look, shoo, forget I said anything, see you tonight, okay?” he says sharply.
It’s all the invitation I need. People are starting to stare at us. I hate being stared at. I hate having people’s attention on me, even though it’s all I want. That’s my problem, I can’t decide what I want. Even this thing with Kaden is just a stupid… delusion of mine, it’s not like going to this party is going to get me any closer to him. Why am I doing this? Is this what all those eyeroll-inducing jokes about hormones making you stupid have been about this whole time? Is that why I’m doing this? Because he’s cute?
No. No, that’s not it.
It’s that nothing interesting ever happens to me, because nobody offers it to me, and even if they do I don’t take it from them, and seeking it out myself? That’s right out. I’m too much of a little creep. I’ll be sitting on the periphery of stupid band-kid conversations about some new indie game or local comic book for eternity. Rotting. Because I don’t know where to go in life.
At least if this thing turns out to suck, and I turn out to hate it, at least I’ll know somewhere I don’t want to be. That’s one step closer to knowing where I want to be. And I need to get on that! Life is short! A super could accidentally… crush me with a derailed streetcar tomorrow, for god’s sake. Toronto is ground zero for that kind of shit. What am I doing with myself!?
Deep breaths, Zane. You know what you’re doing with yourself? You’re going to this party. Even if Kaden still won’t so much as look at you. Even if it kills you. You’re going. That’s that.
#
I wish I hadn’t talked myself into going to this stupid party.
I hate it here! Some guy twice my age who looked like a drug dealer—he probably is a drug dealer—said he loved me in Twilight. Is that a jab about my eyeliner? That movie is older than me, grandpa! Two different blackout drunk girls have tried to kiss me, which would be great if I was… straight, and didn’t care about consent, or catching the fucking flu. It’s almost finals, I have studying to do, I can’t be sick!
Not even Kaden looks like he’s having fun, and he’s the one who dragged us here in the first place. He’s screaming something to Caspar over the music. Or trying to.
“What!?” Caspar shouts back.
“I said these people are useless, Cass!”
“And whose fault is that? Why did you come out here in the first place? Oh, hi, Zane.” he says, glancing at me as I trudge over through the leaf litter. This place is a dump. It’s practically woodland, just with more goddamn trash strewn around everywhere. Unlicensed, outdoor music show. What an idea. I hope it doesn’t start raining.
I wave back and stare at them, too spellbound by the sight of real emotion out of Kaden Leung to speak. He starts up again.
“I’m looking for someone, okay!? That’s why. It’s not about this shitty DJ or the drinks or even blowing off steam, okay, it’s serious, this is serious and I need you to take it seriously! I see you just… hanging around! I told you to help me look for the… the woman!”
“Dude, you told me nothing about who this person was, just that she was tall and wore white. How was I supposed to know you were obsessed with her? I didn’t even get her name! You’re acting crazy lately, Kaden, okay? You’re acting crazy, and I am sick of enabling it.”
Kaden hurls an arm in frustration and nearly hits somebody. There’s a ‘watch it!’ and Kaden almost snarls at the poor guy, teeth bared and everything. He clutches his head and shuts his eyes, holding back what looks like genuine… rage.
And I thought I was hormonal. Man, it’s a kick in the ass finding out that my crush is here looking for his crush. Just my luck. This whole thing is such bullshit. I want to go home.
“Her name’s Albatross, okay? See? Happy? Why do you think I was being vague? See it now?” Kaden rants.
“What? Albatross, the rogue super? That’s why we’re here, we’re looking for a criminal who put Breakdown in the hospital!?” Caspar says, alarmed.
Wait, what? I haven’t been keeping track of the news. Breakdown, the Drop Squad guy, the loudmouth super? I didn’t even hear he got hurt.
“If we all agree this is stupid, can we go home!?” I say, too loud again, barging into the conversation. I don’t want to have to walk out without Caspar; he was my ride here.
Kaden glares at me so viciously that I flinch and recoil. I take it back! I don’t want to see his hidden bad-boy depths!
“Shut the fuck up, Zane! You have no idea how important this is to me! Go get wasted or something, just leave me the fuck alone!”
Caspar grabs his shoulder and squeezes. Kaden’s expression softens in something like guilt.
“Okay, look, let’s step aside and talk about this.” Caspar says. I can barely hear him, he’s leaned in so close.
I awkwardly follow them as Caspar leads him off to the side, behind a hill to the quieter part of the party, away from the DJ. Thank god. The DJ sucks. I can’t believe Kaden wanted me to think he knew this guy, that would be so embarrassing.
This whole thing is embarrassing! Kaden’s going insane right in front of me, Caspar is babysitting him like he’s a little kid, and I was dumb and horny enough to get roped into the whole thing all so Kaden might… look at me once or twice, at maximum.
I get more than that.
“Why are you still here!?” he snaps, the moment he registers I’m still following them.
“Caspar’s my ride home!”
“Don’t call him that! It’s Cass!” he says with equal intensity.
“Kaden, drop it, I don’t care about the name thing right now.” Caspar says, crossing his arms. “The super. Why do you want to meet a super?”
“Why do you think!? Because life’s… shit, that’s why!” Kaden retorts, leaning against a tree.
“Kaden, your parents are doctors and you go to the best school in the city. You’ve got tons of friends, including—me, by the way—and your family lets you do literally whatever you want without so much as asking questions. How is life shit, exactly?”
“Albatross! That’s how! P-people like Albatross. What’s the point of living if any moment one of these superpowered freaks could just reach out and crush you? They live in their own world! They’re not like us! They’re ice cold, and they’re everything, and we’re expected to feel lucky if they even look at us. Treat them like people instead of… cosmic phenomena! And that’s bullshit! I… I want to…”
Kaden trails off. Caspar sits down on a log and drags his hands across his face, looking like he’s just been told a miserably bad joke.
I look between them, hoping that Kaden won’t yell at me again. He’s acting like he’s on drugs, and he looks worse than that. It’s his eyes. They’re… bloodshot. How long has this been building up? Why doesn’t it ever come out at school? Why does he even bother acting like everything is fine and he’s okay if he’s this anxious about supers? Everyone has a story about something bad happening because of a super. Everyone’s got someone who was hurt in one of their disasters, one of their messes, even if the stats say they save more people, even if you want to remember the people they saved and not the people they didn’t. It can all be true at once.
Can he just not show anyone how much he’s hurting? Is that it?
Oh, no. It’s back to being hot again. Fuck my life.
“This is about Jane, isn’t it?” Caspar suddenly says, his voice ringing with frustration.
“Of course it’s about Jane! She got superpowers just by hanging around those creepy nerds at the Oriflamme building bombs and forcefields and shit all day. And now she’s… gone, basically, I never get to see her anymore, and all I can think… man, just, all I can think, all day, seeing this shit on the news… why don’t I deserve that, huh? Why can’t I have that?” Kaden rambles.
He sits down next to Caspar, and the two of them start stewing in the absurdity of being here, in perfect sync. I stand there awkwardly. Jane got superpowers? Jane worked for the… actual Oriflamme? Isn’t she our age? That’s like working for the space program. I thought she was just Kaden’s cool friend from middle school. Well, not as cool as him, but still. Nobody ever tells me this stuff.
Besides, you can’t get superpowers just by hanging out with the right people, right? Don’t you have to go through some kind of traumatic event, and that’s why none of them are normal? This is stupid. Come on, Kaden, realize this is stupid and let Caspar take me home. Please. I think I just felt a raindrop.
“Did Cass really drive you here?” Kaden asks. I look, and he’s looking back at me. I straighten involuntarily.
“Y-yeah.” I say.
He sighs.
“Okay, just go home then. I’ll do one more pass to see if I can find her and then follow you guys.”
It takes me a minute to work up the courage to ask Caspar what’s going on. We trudge through the party, tuning out the music, refusing drinks, hoping nobody here recognizes us. Or, well, Caspar sure looks like he is, at least. Nobody who knows my name is cool enough to be here.
“Does Kaden actually think you can get superpowers by just talking to someone?” I ask. That’s not how it works. Doesn’t Kaden know that? He’s perfect, isn’t he?
Guess he’s not. Guess no one is. Maybe I’m not the lowest form of life after all; maybe we all are. We knew supers had their problems, knew they were all fucked up in their own little way, but… I just wanted to think there were still people out there who had their lives together, normal people like me, so maybe one day I could graduate from being me to being that. Now Kaden’s as much of a desperate little screwball as I am. How is that fair?
After not answering for a painfully long time, Caspar finally stops and turns to me.
“You can. It’s just rare. But it’s not talking to someone. It’s being important to them, so important to them that you’re almost part of them. Jane got it from her foster dad, he practically raised her. That’s the worst part about this stupid thing Kaden’s on about. He thinks you can just… manufacture that. I don’t know how I’m gonna help him, Zane.” he rambles.
It all clicks. That talk we had at his locker, him coming all the way out here, their little fight just now. The fact he’s putting so much effort in just to keep Kaden Leung, professional jerk, from falling to pieces.
“You like him too, don’t you?” I ask.
He shakes his head. It’s frustration, not disagreement. He must hate it here too, he doesn’t want to have this conversation right now with a little creep he barely knows, who’s too goth to be cool but not goth enough to dye his hair black.
He decides to have it anyway. Cass, you’re really a stand-up guy, you know that?
“Since I was twelve years old. I think he knows. I think he’s just grateful that nothing he can do can get me to drop him.”
He says something else, but I can’t hear it—there’s somebody yelling over by the entrance we’re headed for. I crane my neck to look, but there’s nothing over there but a couple of kids having some kind of fight. Okay, there are some black vans pulled up near there as well that weren’t there before, but they don’t look like the police.
“…and it’s like, if I don’t watch out for him, who’s going to? And I… you don’t know him, but he’s really amazing, okay? He wants to do all these huge things, take on the world, be something, be everything he can. Sure, he fucks it up left and right but he’s got that fire in him. He’s never satisfied. He’s got that. And what have I got? I can run fast and throw a ball and not say anything stupid, and I’m a… coward. I’d trade being him for being me.” Caspar continues.
“Me too.” I’m shocked to hear it, even though I’m the one saying it. I guess something about being exhausted makes me confess things like that. Or maybe it’s all this honesty in the air.
There’s a loud bang from deeper into the party, then screaming and cheering. More bangs. Some idiot is setting off fireworks. We’re all gonna get arrested.
Caspar shakes his head again, probably coming to the same conclusion.
“Let’s go get Kaden. Man, I wish I was at home.” he says.
There’s more shouting from the entrance.
“Hey, you can’t come in here!” someone says, and there’s a murmur of agreement. “You weren’t invited!”
“I said shut the fuck up! Where’s Albatross? Tell me now.” the man everyone’s holding back demands. He’s in a black baseball cap and fake Kevlar. Looks like a divorced dad, you know the type. Special forces-themed merch and cheap beer, posting on Facebook all day about immigrants.
“We ain’t telling you shit!” a girl shouts. I wonder if it’s one of those drunk girls from earlier. She sounds pretty shitfaced. More cheering. There’s a cry of ‘narc!’ from somewhere in the crowd.
Wait, Albatross?
The man turns around, and that’s when I notice there are two more guys back near the vans, dressed in all black.
“It’s the axiom power. She’s in disguise, she’ll be the last person we find. That cowardly bitch! This is all gonna be on her hands.” the man rants, to confusion and laughter from the partygoers.
My stomach churns. Something’s wrong. Something’s really, really wrong.
“Alright, guys, you know the drill!” the man shouts.
Caspar grabs my shoulder. “Dude.” he says urgently. “We have to go get Kaden right now. Come on. Right now.”
I glance back at him, and my eyes are suddenly drawn to the phone in his hand. He’s angling it towards me, an explanation, and as I read the text displayed on the screen I gasp. My skin crawls like I’m being pelted with needles. This isn’t happening.
‘Cass, they’re shooting’.
Paralyzing terror runs through me. In the background, more fireworks go off. More fireworks. They’re not fireworks. I glance back towards the van as Caspar drags me up the hill with his strong arm, just in time to see the men in the body armour and black caps aim rifles into the taunting crowd.
I shut my eyes. The air explodes with gunfire, then screams, a wall of sound chasing us up the hill as I stumble and drag my feet after Caspar and pray it’s all a dream, pray I’m not dead yet at least. The second he stops I open my eyes and check my body for bullet holes, as though I wouldn’t have felt it, as though the pounding in my head could’ve drowned that out. I heard it’s like being punched. Am I going to find out? I can’t die. I never amounted to anything. I can’t die tonight.
The call of the void grabs me and I try to look around the tree we’re hiding behind to get a view of what’s going on down there, but Caspar stops me.
“What the fuck are you doing? We have to find Kaden.”
He points off towards the heart of the party and the sound of more screaming. I shake my head. Wait, why do we have to find Kaden?
“Why are we going towards the guys with guns!?” I shout. He looks confused, like it hadn’t occurred to him. A moment later, I hear someone yell over the chaos behind us.
“Up there!”
I don’t have to look to know it’s one of the shooters. Who are they!? I dash down the hill after Caspar on instinct—he’s faster than me, even though he’s bigger, must be all the track and field. If I die because I didn’t exercise enough…
Suddenly, he trips on something in the dark. I barely stop myself, skidding on the slope, and watch stunned as he rolls a good five meters down the hill and crashes into one of the plastic tables near the empty DJ stand. A couple other people are down there hiding, but it looks like most of them are running. I can barely see—the lighting was already shitty and now the generator’s out—but I can see enough to tell he’s not getting up. Caspar!
When I reach him, he’s groaning and clutching his arm. I fumble with my phone until I finally turn the flashlight on and gasp when I see blood.
“Piece of glass or something, shit, it’s everywhere, hey!”
He grabs my collar with his unhurt arm and pulls my face towards his.
“Call Kaden. Call Kaden and find him now. We have to get out of here and we have to bring Kaden.”
“What the fuck are you talking about!? For all we know he already got out! We’re being shot at, let’s just run! You can still run, right, it’s just your arm!? Come on!”
I grab him and pull, but he barely budges. As I’m straining, a voice suddenly rings out, a woman’s this time.
“Albatross!”
My blood curdles with fear. It’s the way she said it. Hateful. She must be with these… these people? No. These murderers aren’t people. I look, freezing up, my limbs locking, hoping that whatever I see it won’t be able to see me here in the dark.
She’s up on the stage, behind the DJ’s turntable, clad in bright toxic green. And…
And surrounded by a clawing mess of hovering, gigantic bony hands, each the size of a person. They swoop and writhe in the darkness behind her like they’re in pain.
That’s about when I start to piss myself. Not metaphorically, either. I shut my eyes and press my lips together to keep from screaming, heart pounding, too scared to run. I pray she can’t hear the faint sound of urine soaking into my jeans. It feels so loud. Everything feels so loud.
She yells. My lip trembles in terror.
“You can’t hide, Albatross. You killed my friend. I don’t care who or how many people you hide behind. You and your kind don’t deserve to live. Step out and let me end this!”
One of those people I saw earlier runs. A kid like us, maybe my age, maybe a grade below me. He makes a break for the far side of the clearing and—
Runs right into one of those giant hands. It’s on him in an instant, clutching him tight. He kicks and screams as it drags him through the dirt towards the stage and hoists him off the ground like he’s weightless.
“You call yourself a hero, Albatross!?” the woman in green shouts. No. More like a girl. She’s not much older than us. “How much do you care about this one, huh? Where’s that so-called altruism now, huh!?”
The bony hand clasps a finger over the kid’s mouth to keep him from spluttering, and the silence drops in on top of us. There’s still scattered gunfire and screaming from every direction, but here, in the clearing, whoever’s still hiding isn’t making a sound.
I can feel Caspar’s hand wrapped around my wrist so tight it hurts. He’s seeing this too. It’s not a dream, it’s real. My pants are soaked through. I can barely keep myself from screaming or running or curling into a ball or one of the thousand contradictory things my body is telling me to do. It’s taking all I have, all Caspar has, to keep me here, watching this happen.
Suddenly, there’s a long shuddering crunch, a crushing sound, and in the darkness I don’t realize what’s just happened until the hand opens up and—
And—
And pieces of that boy fall out of it. His whole body, crushed to paste, the hand hanging there impartially, dripping with gore. It shakes itself off like an animal and pieces of him scatter. Something wet lands on my shirt. I gag, loudly.
“Oh, do we have another volunteer!?” the woman yells from the stage. I’m too busy throwing up my dinner to be terrified, but the moment it registers—
Oh, god, I don’t want to die. Please don’t let it get me. It’s scanning for me in my peripheral vision as I puke up my guts. I can’t even look at it, can’t even face what’s happening to me. Kaden was right. I should have powers. Isn’t this how you get them? Give me strength too. I deserve it too. I don’t deserve to die right now.
I look up knowing it’ll grab me and crush my fragile body like a fruit, and—
“Get him!” someone shouts, and gunfire splits the air. Bullets deflect off the hand, which hangs there listlessly like it doesn’t even notice. Who are they shooting at? I look, on instinct, just in time to see one of the gunmen hurled down the hill like a ragdoll. He crashes through a plastic table and lies there gurgling, barely moving.
“Get away from him!” a voice thunders from the hill behind us, through the ringing in my ears. I shudder at the intensity of it. It’s like everything everyone’s ever said in my whole life has been a lie, and I’ve just now heard the only thing that’s ever been true.
It’s Kaden’s voice.
His shape flashes into view on the stage already slamming its fist into the woman in green’s face. She doubles over in pain. A floating hand lunges at him and grips nothing as he leaps backwards and soars into the open, flying a dozen feet into the air. He lands on his feet like a cat, standing taller and straighter than ever, and glances over at us.
“Run! I’m right behind you!” he says.
Caspar and I point and scream at the bony hand flying in from behind him at top speed.
He looks too late and it slams into him, pushing him back across the mulch. He skids to a halt right before he and the hand collide with my face. It looks like he’s resisting. Fighting back. He’s got one foot in the puddle of vomit I left in the leaf litter. That boy was fighting back before it crushed him. I don’t want to watch Kaden die like that. I want to shut my eyes, but I’m paralyzed—all I can do is watch as—
Kaden gasps for breath, and finds it as the hand uncoils from his body, sparks of reddish lightning zapping between his skin and the weightless wall of bone. His athletic shirt and dark jeans and the skin of his face and neck are soaked with the blood of that boy the hand crushed, but he’s not hurt. He stretches and paces like we’re not in the middle of an active shooting. Around the clearing, the other hands start to gather, flitting back and forth like flies. They crackle and spark and twitch with Kaden’s every subtle movement, angrily, wreathed in boiling sparking red.
“What the fuck!? Crush him!” the girl in green shouts. Blood pours down her face from a shattered nose. She looks like she’s struggling to stay conscious. How hard did Kaden hit her?
Kaden… laughs. Softly at first, but it only takes seconds to build into towering pure raw exultation that transcends the grimy mess all around us, the smell of piss and vomit and people’s insides and weed and the coming rain underneath it all.
“It’s mine now.” he snarls, his hands shaking with rage—rage or maybe joy—as the hands close in on their owner.
She stutters something, holding out her arms in protest, then screams as Kaden points forcefully towards the stage and the hands respond, swarming her like piranhas, each grasping a different limb or piece of her. She pleads, shouting sharply over the sound of Kaden’s laughter, and I look away as the tearing starts.
He’s saving us. He triggered, like Caspar and I weren’t brave enough to. He’s that person. He’s that person Caspar saw, the one who’d take on the world if it came down to it. That person’s real and he’s here to save us. I shut out the woman in green’s screams and… and I start to laugh myself, despite it all. It’s okay. We’re going to wake up. It’s all going to have been a dream. The hands are crumbling to bonemeal and rubble, vanishing into thick white smoke as they rip their wielder apart. It’s all going to have been a dream.
Gunfire erupts from behind us. Kaden rolls effortlessly along the ground as dirt surges from bullet impacts where he was just standing, then charges the killer in black. Before he can rotate to face him, Kaden’s hands are on the man’s neck. He twists and there’s a crack and the twitching body collapses convulsing. It all takes a second or two.
“I’m invincible!” he shouts, a huge grin on his face.
I believe it. I believe it, Kaden. Please save me.
He rushes over to us and hoists Caspar to his feet with one arm, then picks me up under the shoulders and pushes me towards the south entrance, away from the stage and the horror and all of it. My legs work again. It’s a miracle.
“We’ll run into less of them if we go that way! Follow me, I’m faster now, I can take you with me! We’re all getting out of here!” he says, his face bright, his green eyes full of joy.
I’d heard of what happens to you when you trigger with powers. I’d heard it was… terrifying. The worst day of people’s lives, distilled into a single moment. Something you never forget. For the worse.
What’s this, then? What am I watching?
Of course. Of course becoming like this is ecstasy. Of course saving your whole world is this towering thing, power that’s endless, a moment of life everlasting. I can feel it myself, deep in the pit of my empty stomach. I’m going to live. We’re going to live.
I smile too as we run, far away from the scattered screams and the gunfire and the corpses. He glances back at us, a grin splitting his blood-soaked face. The air flies by around us, warm and welcoming, as we race into the night. Into freedom. Into safety.
And then he stumbles. The look on his face breaks. He winces, gasps in pain. The adrenaline must have hidden something. Was it the hand? A bullet? Kaden! Kaden! No!
He stops, and the enveloping safety of the air sputters and crumbles. Like the hands. Could he be dying? Could it happen so fast!?
I burst into tears. I can’t stop myself. He falls to one knee, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth, and feels at his shirt for where he’s hurt. Caspar’s hand brushes against his as it runs down his body and then—
“Shit. Kaden. Here.” he says, gesturing at his stomach.
My body churns at the thought of it. I want to be sick again. That was the best part of him. I got to see it a few times—he’d be back from practice and lift his shirt to wipe sweat off his face and I’d get to see it, and I’d try not to make it obvious that I was staring at his abs. But it would be obvious. Every time. Because he’s beautiful. And that’s the most beautiful part of him. And there’s a hole in it, right through to his guts, and it’s pouring blood into the waist of his jeans. A thick red stain is building on his thigh as he sits there on one knee, gasping for air.
“But I saw it. I saw it, how’d I get hit? I saw it coming. I-I dodged it.” Kaden rambles.
Footsteps behind us through the leaf litter. Shouting.
“Don’t let them get away!”
A group of them, rushing through the trees, weapons raised. It’s not over. They’re going to gun us down. My mom, my friends, they’re going to hear what happened to me. Imagine what happened to me. I sniffle, wipe away tears so I can see what’s coming, make a weak attempt to scramble back through the dirt before they reach us—but what’s the point?
I hope when they imagine what happened to me, I’m not crying. I hope in those awful visions I was standing around drinking a beer, and it was a surprise, and it was quick.
Kaden’s looking up at Caspar, who’s somehow brave enough to stand. The anguished worry on his face says it all. I know we could never fall in love, but you’re still my best friend, Cass. Why aren’t you running away? I’m still super. Maybe I stop them. Maybe I stop them before I pass out. Run away. That’s what he’s thinking.
“Is this the last of them!?” one of the killers shouts.
“Probably! One of these three must be Albatross, judging by the… fucking mess back there. Hey! Whichever you are, hands up! I swear to god we’ll shoot all three of you, so you’d better stop resisting!” another says.
The look on Kaden’s face turns from worry to awe. His mouth hangs open like he’s witnessing an eclipse, a supernova. Some… cosmic phenomenon.
The killers step back in terror, and then they start shooting. I see them shoot, see the muzzle flash but the sound doesn’t reach me. The bullets don’t, either. There’s some invisible field, shimmering shreds of gilded air the only evidence it even exists. Behind me, a brilliant ivory glow swells. In the air before me, lethal metal slugs hang suspended like leaves frozen in spring ice.
A blinding white beam starts to exist. It doesn’t explode out or zap or zoom or any of the things it might do in a comic book. It starts existing, and it exists right through the heart of one of those bearded masked killers. It’s brighter than the sun, brighter than a million suns, but there’s no afterimage, no pain in my eyes.
A handprint-shaped hole in the man’s chest begins to hemorrhage blood, gushing down his body, and he collapses. More of them stalk towards us behind him, taking his place—but they’ve stopped shooting. It’s useless, they’ve realized. We’re safe in here. In wherever here is. Whatever here is.
A hand rests on my neck.
“Take it. Take my hand, Zane.” a high, clear, sure voice says.
I turn, and someone I’ve never seen before is standing over us, hand outstretched and glowing brilliant white like a beacon. The person’s arm twitches left, and another beam shoots out from it. Another of the men dies, a hole manifested in him, his chest made empty.
But I’m not looking at that. All I hear is the thud of him hitting the ground. I’m looking at this person I’ve never seen before, and realizing that maybe I have.
Thick wavy blond hair settles around their spotless, boyish face. They’re small, shorter than me or Kaden by half a head. Their clothes fit loose, hanging off their slender frame. Wait. Those aren’t yours. Those are Cass’s clothes.
My hand touches theirs. It’s shiny and new, unblemished, uncalloused by rugby practice and summer jobs. It’s wet and smooth and glistening, fresh-made. The muscle and the presence are gone and this willowy, beautiful thing is here in their place. The deep powerful voice has turned delicate, but it’s still just as sure. It suits them. It suits this person I don’t recognize. All of it does. It’s such a perfect whole.
There’s a shock like crackling electricity as my fingers brush against theirs—more powers—and a ghost of me begins to run off into the dark, blue and swift.
I can feel it running. I can feel myself running off into safety, the wind whipping by me like before, my legs moving underneath me sure and swift and unhindered by the wet fabric of my ripped jeans. A second later, their eyes shut and another blue ghost calves off from them, and then they reach down to Kaden and Kaden’s own ghost follows, the three of them running.
Like our souls have left our bodies. Like we’re going to a better place. Like this purgatory isn’t all there is.
Again.
Another miracle. Two miracles in a night. It’s too much to believe.
The men with guns spread out around us. Cass raises their arm and turns one’s head to empty, leaves a bloody handprint in his skull.
The murderers spook and run. They run like rabbits. Good. Good riddance. Run to the end of the earth. Run until your legs disintegrate and your brains melt from the fear. I’m not scared anymore. If I was as brave as Cass and Kaden, I’d hunt you. I’d hunt you down and crush you like insects. I’ll just have to watch you run instead.
“The ghosts, they’re going to run somewhere safe. Then, we’ll swap places with them. These people don’t know they can do that, they won’t be expecting it. They’ll come after our bodies here, and then we’ll escape. Somewhere safe.” Cass explains in their new voice.
“Hospital, I hope.” Kaden says, sucking in air.
Cass laughs. It’s a beautiful laugh. They’re beautiful now. Not that they weren’t before, but this is different. It’s like they were carrying some huge weight before, all that time I knew them, and now…
“Yeah. I hope.” they say. Silence for a moment.
“I love you, Kaden.”
It’s that feeling again. Absolute truth. It’s like Cass’s whole life is in those four words, packed so tightly they heat up and burn and glow and radiate endless waves of light. I wish I was brave enough to say it, but even if I was, it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t be one billionth as bright as what I just heard. I’m ashamed to even think of trying to match it.
“Don’t deserve that.” he says. “Got shot. Should’ve saved everyone.”
He gasps for breath again. His hands are so pale.
“Could’ve done it. S… strong enough now. Fuck.” he breathes.
My spirit runs. Through the trees, over the hills, it bounds and flies and sweeps, so free. I shut my eyes and dissolve into the feeling of it. Of escape.
Kaden leans on my thigh as his life ebbs away. He looks at me with the vibrant eyes still staring out from his pale bloodsoaked face.
“Dude, did you wet yourself? Ugh.” he scoffs, with what sounds like it could be his last breath.
Shit. I did, didn’t I? The nerves make me laugh, and he almost laughs back, and after a moment of stoically watching for more killers, Cass starts laughing too. It fills the pit in my chest. For a moment, it’s almost like we’re normal kids, on a normal night, and nobody’s world is ending.
Nothing that impossible can last. Cass flips the switch, a bolt of pure thought cutting through my senses, and we switch places with our ghosts in a rush of air. We’re still surrounded by trees and corpses, still not out of the nightmare, but we can see the street and hear cars rush by. We’re so close. We’re free.
We’re free for a second or two, and then Kaden stumbles and topples over again, hitting the garbage-littered dirt with a groan of agony. My heart drops into my stomach.
He’s dying. All this pain and all these miracles to save me and he’s dying for it. He’s going to become one of these ripped-up corpses that used to be a carefree kid out at a stupid party. That’s what’s going to be left of him. News reports and statistics and a pale lifeless perfect face, and even that will be gone when they put him in the ground.
Nobody deserves that. None of these people deserved that, but he deserves it least of all. They should make statues of him and put his face on bills and teach about him in school and he should live forever, all of us doing our best to repay him for being so brave. For finding the time on the worst night he’s ever had to save my pathetic little life. He deserves to be a hero.
His precious life is spilling out here next to broken beer bottles and scraps of trash. I hold him in my arms—Cass is defending us, the killers are back and Cass has to fight them—and stare helplessly as the colour drains from him.
“Cass. Get out of here.” he whispers. “I can see it. The cracks in those shields. If you ever have to aim your two hands in the same direction, you’re vulnerable from the back, aren’t you? They’ll surround us. Get out of here. Please.”
“How do you know that?” Cass says. “How do you know I won’t save us!?”
“Part of my powers, I guess. Got what I wanted. Always know… what’s coming.”
Cass looks back and down at us as the murderers take potshots at them from far away in the dark. Every bullet so far has been caught, but Kaden could be right. You can shoot miracles dead. You can. I’m watching it happen.
Their smooth new face is streaked with fresh tears.
“Take my hand! Take my hand, I can run for you, you can still get out! Kaden!”
Kaden scowls and shakes his head like Cass is just some idiot, not his desperate friend scrabbling for any scrap of hope. He’s still the same, even now.
Cass tries to demonstrate, calves off their own ghost. It runs a few brief shining steps before one of the gunmen cuts it down with a hail of bullets, the blue splashing outward for the blink of an eye before disintegrating to nothing.
No. We can’t escape that way. Maybe Cass kills them all and we run free, but not soon enough. Not in time.
And not without moving. Moving away from their best friend, the most beautiful person either of us have ever known. He’s an asshole and a liar and he lays on the snark all the time just to be mean, and he coasts through life on his looks and his parents’ money. He’s the worst kind of popular, the kind who doesn’t deserve to be. That’s who we knew, and for a night we knew someone else, someone tortured and visionary who wanted the world in his hand and would do anything to get it, someone straining to be more, to be everything, to break out of this life and swallow the universe. Who knew what he wanted, like I don’t. Who’d fight anyone for it, like Cass never could. He was a god for five minutes and he used it to save our lives. Because he could. Because we were there.
He grabs my hand, his wrist flexing and his grip turning tight in a sudden burst of will. He sucks in air with a wrong-sounding, broken breath. He tries to speak and all that comes out is blood. Tears well up in my eyes. I can’t see the horror around us anymore. I can barely even see him. He’s leaving us. I’m never going to get to find out who he is. He’s never going to grow up. I’m never going to get to see his real smile, the one I fantasized about on lonely nights, the one I dreamed he’d show me.
I’ll breathe it back into you, Kaden. My lips to yours. Life. Take mine, I’m not using it. Take mine. You deserve it.
Time seems to freeze. Around me, the halted bullets press in, but I can barely see them. All there is is a warmth, coming up from my core, spreading in waves throughout my body. Inside, out. Inside, out. It melts the fear of touching him. It boils away the anxiety and the terror. Adrenaline evaporates in the gigantic heat coming up through me. It can’t be part of me. I’d have to be a thousand miles tall to hold it in check. It’s the heat of the Earth that moves continents and spits ash into the sky and runs through the hydrothermal vents that gave rise to life billions of years ago. Do you remember biology class, Kaden?
My lungs turn to fire. It can’t stay inside me anymore! It needs to come out! It needs to come out, it wants to be yours, Kaden!
I lean in and kiss him.
My breath hits his lungs and his eyes snap open, more brilliant than ever before, shining emeralds in the dark. He convulses beneath me, and his hand is on my wrist again, stronger than ever, and he leaps to his feet. Or do I? One of us leaps to his feet. I’m standing tall, looking down at me, my blood coursing through me more vital than ever even as it pours from the gaping wound in my abdomen. I am tall and strong and my lungs are full of flaming air. I am drunk on enlightenment. My body is full of power, but…
But we have to go. It’s not safe here for any of us. And you’re dying, Kaden.
And you’re hurt, Zane, he says with his eyes, looking down at me. I glance down to find the bone of my wrist sticking up jagged and crushed through the skin, snapped in half by Kaden’s newfound strength. That’s strange. My arm doesn’t feel broken. I feel like I am standing straight, bulletproof, invincible, full of endless life. I can taste blood in my mouth, and my lungs feel like they struggled for air just a moment ago, but now it’s different. Now nothing can stop my breathing. Now I am immortal.
In a sudden flash of consciousness, another me is here. I suck in fiery intoxicants and my body explodes into a paradise of endless choice. I am holding myself together in this slender shape by sheer will, my fresh-made hands of virgin snow outstretched in guardianship. The muscles at my wrist feel like they should be strained but they are flexible instead, the stretch of pointing my palms outwards euphoric instead of painful. Then, this third me takes a breath, and lowers my hands, and a hail of bullets shreds through my oversized clothes and bounces off me like winter hail off a thick jacket.
“Zane, what did you do?” Cass asks. I feel the words, but it’s not my mouth making them. Or is it? I’m so lost. I’ve never been in three bodies before. The standing ones are so much stronger and surer than the one kneeling on the ground, snapped at the wrist, about to pass out from stress in piss-soaked pants.
I didn’t know this was what it felt like to be you. To be both of you. Every part of it is glorious. The blood seeping from my wound is warm and soothing. The impact of the bullets on my skin massages my psyche as if to lull me to sleep.
I think the body on the ground says something, asks for something, but I’m too busy exploring these beautiful people I’ve become to really know for sure. Hospital. I think the kneeling boy wants to go to the hospital. I think I want to go somewhere safe. I make it known, and the Cass-shaped body picks me up in its arms and shields me from the bullets. Ahead of me—inside me—Kaden’s body makes ready to run, and then he’s off, faster than the subway, faster than the bullets maybe. It feels that way. The night streaks into a blur of light and sound.
I’m laughing. All three of me are laughing. It’s the happiest I’ve ever felt. The whole of all my bodies flushes with blood. Cortisol purges itself from my three hearts. Time slows into an eternity of motion. I wander the contours of Kaden’s breath for what feels like hours. Cass’s body is an endless playground, a cascading tapestry of custom cells alien and brave and free. The inside of them ripples with inhuman noise as it devours the last of their wound from earlier, repurposes every shred of biomass into chemicals to smooth the skin and rewire the nerves, sharpen the senses. They are becoming something new under my skin. I am becoming something new under my skin. I can hear light. I can taste sound.
Is this what it feels like to be you now, Cass? You’re beautiful. You’re a miracle. I wish everyone could feel it. I wish everyone could know what it feels like to be you. There’d be no more killers and no more regrets and no more misunderstanding. There are no secrets inside you. Every last cell of your body is yours to keep and cherish, every last shred, every last atom.
And Kaden. The litheness of you. The tone, the tautness, the way you fit together. This is what it feels like to be you, every day? How do you keep your hands off yourself? Why do you ever leave the house? To exercise, I guess. That’s how you got this way. The sharp bright nerves. The heavy light breath, the power. You’re perfect.
“Hey! Paramedics! Hey, my friend needs help!” I shout. No. It’s Cass. It’s Cass’s bold smooth voice, it only feels like mine. We’re at the hospital.
“Do you feel that? Like you’re… full of ghosts waiting for you to ask them… something? Why can I feel Zane, why is he… in my arms too? Why’s my arm broken? It’s—not. Cass? What the fuck is going on, Cass?” Kaden asks. I can feel the urgency in his voice swell.
They’re confused. This must be so confusing for them. I should turn the fire off, shut off the heat. I should make us all separate again so the doctors can heal him. They can’t dig into him and pull the bullet out if he’s invincible. It’s only temporary. Only temporary.
Nothing this impossible can last.
Okay. Let go.
I’m me again, and my arm hurts like fuck, and—
“Ahhhhhh!” I scream, childishly, clutching at my forearm right beneath the bone sticking out of me.
“Zane, calm down, I’m fine, I’ll go get my car, they’ll treat you and I’ll pick you up. I’ll get you home and we’ll say you fucked up a skate trick at the park, okay?” Cass says. Their face is so close to mine.
“But I don’t skate.” I say, weakly.
“Whatever! Kaden! Kaden, what do we tell them? About the—” Cass starts.
“Nothing. Nothing. We’re everything now. Power! If they find out we’re super—they can’t find out we’re super, then they’ll know, they’ll want things from us, we won’t really be free anymore.” Kaden rambles.
He grabs my face. Blood rushes to my crotch. Weird. I would’ve thought I’d need all of it elsewhere right now, what with the hole in my arm.
“Tell them nothing, Zane. F-for me. For us.” he says.
I nod, my head empty of every thought but pleasing him. Anything you could ever want. Anything.
Cass hands me over to a shouting woman with a stretcher and an oxygen mask. Kaden’s body remembers he’s dying and passes out.
I’d follow him anywhere, so that’s my cue, too.
#
Cass didn’t tell me when they’d show up at my house, but there I am at the door when they open it, jacket and shoes on. Ready.
The second their wavy blond head of hair comes into view I leap on them and pull them into a hug. They don’t miss a beat. They don’t so much as gasp. It’s one of the beautiful things about them. They always see it coming. You can sneak up on them all you like but when you kiss them, they’ll never be surprised.
“Zane! You’ll mess up your arm!” they say through laughter as I press them close.
“Who’s that?” my dad calls from the kitchen.
“Just a friend of mine! We’re going to the skate park!” I call back.
“Don’t hurt yourself again!”
“Wasn’t planning to! See ya!”
We walk to their car—their new car, the stolen one. Their parents still think their kid is a missing person. I keep telling them to say something and they keep saying that I don’t get it, that it’s enough to know their family’s okay. Especially with what Kaden’s planning. Everything Kaden’s planning. All Kaden’s plans.
God, I hate Kaden’s plans. But they’re his. What choice is there? Say no to him? Say no, to him? To him and his boundless dreams and his towering certainty, to the thrumming intensity in his voice as he goes on and on, to the soft whispers and the tender promises and that smile that goes all the way to his eyes, that only we get to see? Never. Never. There’s only yes. There’s only yes for him.
When we get to his place, he’s recording again.
“…and don’t be late, or you might miss it! This is your chance to taste the power they say belongs to just a few—but it belongs to everybody! Run with me, and feel the night breeze wash over you at impossible speed. Run up walls and over water. Win a chance at a taste of the breath of life, which can make anyone invincible. Drinks are on the Children of Eris, but your life, your freedom, your will to find the future—that’s on you! Uncaught! Unshackled! Ungovernable! I have been, and remain, the Nightrunner!”
Cass waits until he shuts the mic off, then claps, smiling. I just stare at him. No matter how many days pass by, the feeling never dims. It’s like the night we first met. Really met—not the half-life that came before. It’s like that night is stretching out into eternity, longer and faster than the true arc of time, deepening as it wraps around back on itself. Every moment I spend with him is packed full of miracles, thick with them, teeming. His every breath. His every look. The every movement of every strand of his hair. Miracles. For me. It’s embarrassing how much I have, how much he gives me every day just by being there. No one could possibly deserve it—no one is good enough, not even Zane, lifesaving Zane with the breath of fire who brings people together with the course of air through his lungs. He tells me I could unite the world, save it, own it, whatever I want, but all I want is him.
Him and Cass. Sometimes I forget they’re separate. Sometimes they are so close together that I wonder if they even still are.
Not they. All of us. All of us are so close together that the lines blur. Even now, Cass’s steady swift heartbeat feels as though it sits in my chest. It overlaps with mine. I shudder as they synchronize, then again as Kaden sucks in a shred of my breath by chance and his rhythm is added to the mix. A song. Our song.
Kaden brushes a lock of hair out of Cass’s face, and the beat quickens.
“You’re the Nightrunner now?” Cass asks teasingly. “Sounds villainous. You’re… conquering the world, I take it?”
Kaden shakes his head and reaches out to touch my hand. He leans in towards Cass, and when he does I feel his breath on my cheek, too.
“No. We are.”
red-headed android 